the big test

Well, just about 2 days left before “T” day………..or maybe “F” day.  hhhmmm, test day, finals day…………..they just don’t have the same appeal as “d-day” but then again I can’t really liken my final exam at school to thousands upon thousands of men storming the beaches at Normandy, being shot at and having to jump over fallen friends to continue advancing on the enemy.  So, I guess I’ll refer to this Saturday as the next “big” day in my life.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the information as I review what I have learned over the past year or so.  I say information I’ve learned, though it should be referred to as information I should have retained but let slip through my sieve like mind.  So in the fashion of the true procrastination queen that I am, I am putting off studying for a little bit.  I have some very important things to do like checking my email, playing chuzzle on line and maybe even taking a shower.  I just hope that a read through of most of my notes will be enough of a refresher that the vast amounts of knowledge I should have on the topic of massage, will jog my memory and allow me to pass this test.  I don’t have enough limbs to cross.

The great auto spill of “09″

Last night I went to the bar for drinks with a few friends after they got out of work.  One brought a grocery bag of stuff in for me and said “happy birthday”.  There were 3 bottles of wine in the bag.  (I had talked to one of them during the day, she had been sent to the liquor store on a birthday mission.  She called to find out what I wanted rather than picking me up something I already have at the house.  I told her I was into the desert wine moscato.  They had a few there & I guess they weren’t very much $ so she grabbed 3 different ones.)  I was excited cuz I have been meaning to stop at the liquor store to see what they have and to try a few different ones.  The one I have been drinking is $5.24 or so at Walmart…lol  So I didn’t paw through the bag at the bar cuz I figured bringing your own booze to a bar was kinda inappropriate; gift or not.  We were at the bar for a while shooting the breeze and I almost forgot my bag of gifts on the floor of the bar.  I get to the car & one of my friends says “oh yeah, hold on, I have something for you in my daughters booster seat.”  So I go to put the wine in my car on the floor behind my driver’s seat.  3 bottles in 1 bag is a bad idea.  The biggest of the 3 somehow got under 1 of the others & I hear “crunch” broken glass.  I’m like “oh crap, I think I broke one”, but she didn’t hear & my other friend was in her car already.  So, not wanting to make a scene in the parking lot I figured I’d keep my mouth shut & take care of the mess at home & leave the glass in the now saturated bag; hoping that the liquid would mostly stay in the confines of my rubber floor mat.  So she hands me a box of wine, wrapped in Berlin city flyers.  (I guess I am becoming known as a wine-o of sorts or something.)  So I laughed and we joked for bit outside & we left.  Well I still had to stop at Wal-Mart to get bread, milk & tin foil.  I zip there (& it wasn’t busy, I’m not sure if it was cuz it was 8 pm or if the weather threat scared people, but I was happy it wasn’t crowded.  It just about kills me to be in there & have all kinds of crazies hogging the isles, moving at a pace that would have a snail screaming “speed up!” and then there are the people who have decided that shopping is a social occasion.  I love it when people block an isle, especially the incredibly small bread isle, so they can chat about the meds they are taking now, the illnesses they are suffering from and how well they did at bingo.  Anyway, that is a whole different rant for another day.)  So I get in, get out, get back in my car and it TOTALLY smells like a winery!!!  All I can imagine is that I am going to get pulled over & have to do a sobriety test cuz my car is like the one on that commercial where they open the car doors & booze comes flooding out.  I get home, get my purse & my other items inside & then head back to the carnage.  I then realized that not 1 but 2 of the bottles had broken.  The bigger one was on the bottom & I guess one of the smaller ones that landed on it broke as well.  Well the bottom came right off it like a can opener had ripped across the whole bottom.  So now I’m like “OMFG”!!!  I feel like a total moron.  & I notice to my surprise, there is hardly any liquid in my rubber mat.  (So much for that big plan.)  My driveway is very icy and I don’t have good shoes on for this so I made multiple trips inside.  1 whole trip was dedicated to getting the 1 good bottle out safely.  (I was happy to see that the 1 bottle that did survive was one I have never tried before.  I was expecting, with my luck, that it would have been the same as the kind I get at Wal-mart.)  The next trip was the top portion of one of broken bottles, another trip for the ripped bag of glass.  I then pulled out the apparently useless rubber mat.  Well there is another carpet floor mat, I picked it up and it was so saturated that booze was running out of it like a faucet rather than a drip, I put it outside dangling from our garbage can so I could hear the steady stream of it draining.  I touched the carpet and holy crap was it saturated.  I almost wanted to suck the carpet but figured that would be gross.  (Dirty, salty & probably poop carrying shoes could have been on this carpet for all I know.  I pondered the carpet sucking for a moment or two longer than I really needed to but the possibility of poop shoes is what pushed me over the edge.)  In one of my trips inside my husband came down stairs to see me hovering the garbage can, examining one of the broken bottles.  (Sniffing it actually….trying to decide if I liked the smell enough to buy a bottle so I can tell the gift givers if I liked it or not.)  So he got the shop vac into “wet” mode for me while I changed into my sneakers and rolled my jeans up about 3 times.  I appropriately looked like I was heading for a flood, but hey, I didn’t want to get my jeans soaked in booze.  I then set about to try & vacuum up 2 bottles of wine out of my carpet in the cold.  At one point I was kinda laying awkwardly on the seat with my legs dangling out of the car so I could reach my arm & the vacuum under my driver’s seat.  I looked up to see my husband standing in the house, behind the glass of the door with his arms crossed laughing at me.  He wanted to be upset with me for not being careful & turning my car into a winery; but he couldn’t be mad cuz it was too funny & I looked some smart dangling out of the car, half upside down with my pants rolled up.  My hands were frozen by the time I thought I had gotten all I could, so when I touched to see if it was still wet I couldn’t tell.  (I contemplated a quick lick test but then remembered why I didn’t suck on the carpet in the 1st place.)  Now my husband is going to have to take my car to work & have recon clean my birthday gifts out of my carpet.  It just proves the statement that “I can’t have nice things!”  (it also proves that boxed wine is much more durable.)  So, I don’t want to tell my friends cuz I don’t want them to find out that I wastefully spilled their gifts and am a severe alcohol abuser.  (I don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings that went to get them & called me to see what I would want after all.)  I am thankful that it was alcohol though, it has been below freezing and I don’t know if my mess turning to ice would make things worse or not.  I’m sure if I got hard up I could probably go scrape an alcohol slushie out of my car.

Why do I do it?

To Facebook or not to Facebook, that is the question.  Well it is at least one of the questions.  A couple other questions for me are “should I go exercise or finish this bag of Fritos”….. “should I go jump in the tub & read a trashy novel or should I study for the practicum I have tomorrow night”…….”should I go watch soap operas or balance my check book”.  Yes, these are the big decisions I’m struggling with at the moment.  I guess I know the answers to most of these questions.  I should put down the Fritos & exercise after I do some studying.  I shouldn’t even turn the tv on and should shut the computer of immediately.  Though the reality of the situation is that I already finished the bag of Fritos while I typed this and I’m probably going to go run the tub in a second and crack open a new smut novel.  Why is it that I know what I SHOULD be doing but somehow manage to convince myself that what I FEEL like doing makes more sense at the moment?  My whole Facebook thought only comes from another project I could start that would be more fun than studying.  I keep getting those emails “check out my Facebook” and while there is something about those kinds of sites that turns me off, I’m inclined to start one just so I don’t have to do something else that is higher on my to-do list.  Suddenly I feel like creating a Facebook and can come up with 100 different reasons why it would be a great idea to get it done right NOW.  I’m putting aside all the other reasons why I haven’t felt the need to do one, in an effort to cover up the things I should be doing.  I don’t think I’m going to fail my practicum tomorrow night but I have this streak of perfectionist in me that makes me feel the need to study my brains out.  My brains know that isn’t as much fun as soaking in the tub and I start to justify the reasons to put studying off.  In the end I will be in a mad dash of a scramble & will be kicking myself for not buckling down earlier & getting it done.  (However, my skin will be nice & soft from my long soak in the tub.)   Even after typing this & really thinking about how much I hate the final scramble, I’m kinda cold right now & still think a nice warm bath would make me feel better.  Even after putting this on paper I know I am going to do the exact opposite of what I should do.  In an effort to make myself feel better about this I will bring in some study cards but I know that 9 tenths of my time in the tub will be spent finding out about some mystery man who will fall haplessly in love with a needy young woman & their tawdry love affair ending in a happily ever after.  I guess admitting I have a problem is the first step right?

School & Food

I got a survey from Granite state saying that they would “greatly appreciate your honest opinion” on this student satisfaction survey they emailed me.  Hold on a minute, greatly appreciate MY honest opinion?  Come on, as if.  I filled out this dumb survey last year & my response was similar.  I didn’t beat around the bush & I told them my thoughts…….. again.  I closed my survey with “If this survey really matters like you say it does, then I would think that I would get a call from someone I have not dealt with in the past.”  I told them I expect nothing will change and that I won’t get a call.  They have been pretty consistent with their lack of help.  I hate to say “they” because I’m sure there are people within the organization that are helpful and give great advice.  My last advisor really cared.  She was a smart woman and she had worked with GSC for a long time.  Even she shook her head at the negative changes that were being made.  Unfortunately she had to take a leave of absence and has since died of cancer.  I acknowledged her death as one of their great losses and also pointed out that they don’t appear to be doing much to try & make up for that loss.  It is tough to go from an overachiever in helpfulness to someone who doesn’t give 2 craps.  The joys of higher education……..maybe I should just stay dumb.

Another issue I have been facing lately is food.  I just love to eat it.  I can’t stop.  I’m still diligently tracking my intake on thedailyplate.com but I think my body is trying to go into some kind of hibernation or calorie storage abundance in preparation for winter.  I’ve been operating on some kind of high carb diet for a while now.  If it doesn’t have pasta, potato, rice or bread all over it, I’m not eating it.  Achieving a nutritional balance is hard enough but my body is craving all these high carb foods.  I’ll have a bowl of cereal and then wash that down with pizza and a coke.  (A 20 oz coke has 65 grams of carbs in it.  What is up with that?)  I’m shooting for less than 130 or 140 grams daily.  Yesterday I was at 170, the day before that I was at a whopping 283!!!  Pizza pushed me over the edge that day.  Granted I had 3 slices of stuffed crust pepperoni for dinner but who’s counting.  The high carb diet”, I think Michael Phelps did something like that on SNL.  So I probably can’t market this.  I’ll have to become an Olympic swimmer so that I can justify my carb intake.  I’m not sure I’m going to like having such a big neck but picking out my clothes for the day will be much easier.  Do I want to wear the navy blue skin tight body swim suit or the black one?  Slip on my skull cap and my hair is done too.  I think I’d wear some real freaky suits though.  Like have my suit look like a big shark so that way I could intimidate the other swimmers.  And every time they turned their heads under water they would see this shark swimming next to them & maybe they would get scared.  That or I could go with some obnoxious floral print in florescent colors.  I could blind them during the swim & sail in to victory.  Here is a thought………….what if I had webbed fingers and feet.  Would they let me swim on the Olympic team or would they say I had an unfair advantage?  (At this point in time I’m pretty sure webbed body parts would NOT be my hold up to get on the team, the fact that I’m as slow as death swimming would be enough of a reason to turn me down for the team, but you know what I mean.)

The Olympics VS. The Fair

With the free time I have as of late, I got the opportunity to watch a bunch of the Olympics.  I really feel for the athletes.  I can’t imagine basically putting my life on hold for 4 years to train to compete.  & then to not place in the top 3 for a medal would partially be cool cuz it is the Olympics & you did qualify; but it would also be a bummer cuz nobody trains ALL that time for like 12^th place.  It was still so inspiring that it made me want to go run, jump and swim. (There was also that 41 year old American swimmer that kicks butt.  I figured if at 41 she can get in shape to swim competitively, then there is no reason that my thighs should rub together!)  I felt this urge to go get in shape.  I envisioned myself like Rocky; training & breaking a sweat, really working hard, all too this motivational theme music.  Of course in my vision it happens in about as much time as it takes to watch the movie.  I don’t really imagine myself putting in weeks, months or years to get the desired effect.  I want the desired result after a day of really busting my butt.  Ok, I’ll give it a week, maybe 3 but that’s it.  So, I started eating less.  (Portion control is my nemesis) I’ve been writing it down on thedailyplate.com & I decided to go for bike rides.  The hill right before my house is too much, I tried.  So I have been taking the bike in the truck down the road & starting from the church.  From there to the school it is about 6.5 miles.  I’ve gone enough times now that it isn’t too bad (unless I’m in a head wind the equivalent of a soft breeze, then I look more like a mime doing a slow motion imitation of someone riding a bike.  Damn wind)  That has helped me feel better about what I eat.  Even though I’m only burning enough calories to balance out eating 4 bananas but hey, it is a start.  Well, last night I went to the Lang-cas-ta Fay-ya.  I went for a bike ride during the day in preparation for the fried dough & the french fries I was going to consume.  I knew it would be a bender but I’ve been pretty good lately.  I wonder how many calories screaming on the death-trap, held together with duct tape, rattle-ridden rides burns?  And if you go on a ride where you feel like you lose your stomach, do you actually lose any part of your stomach?  I figure I must have walked a few miles at least; we were there from 3 till just after 9.  That has to have helped burn something.  We went in all the exhibits; saw some prize winning quilts, maple syrup & very large zucchinis.  I watched cow-pulls, sad I know, but I feel like I am truly diverse now.  They hook 2 cows together with those neck things & then hook them to a metal sled with cement on it & they pull it, then a tractor pulls it back & other cows do it.  Let me tell you what, if only I were in the market for a man, there were shit kickers & flannels everywhere.  Some of them even had teeth!  Any-hoo, I went on the zipper twice (the 2^nd time, the cart we were in honestly had duct tape holding up the liner.  Um, hello!!!!)  I went on the gravatron/starship anti gravity ride twice, the scrambler twice, the tornado spin within a spinny ride twice, the spinning t-cups twice, some dream catcher ride twice (the floor drops & you spin fast, you go back & forth up real high & come off your seat but you hit the shoulder straps so there aren’t bodies strewn about.) Some other spinning thing that the seats spin up & down & it spins within itself & you reach 2 G’s according to the sign.  (Is it possible to spin yourself into shape?)  I also went on a round roller-coaster that jerks you in a whiplash fashion twice every revolution & then you get to go backwards too for about 30 revolutions.  (A great neck workout)  I also had someone squishing against me for a handful of the gravity spinning rides, keeping my ribs from caving in must have burnt some calories right?  Well, I see a breeze outside so I’m going to eat some Reese’s peanut butter cups.

long time no write

Well, a bunch has transpired since I last wrote.  (What a slacker, I’ve just been so busy accomplishing stuff to write   Wednesday July 30th I gave my notice at Berlin City.  On 8/4 I applied to a 10 month massage therapy class. 8/8/08 was my last day of work & Monday 8/11 I went and checked out the massage school.  The school is 2 hours away in Bridgton Maine; my first class is Sept 2nd.  That will occupy my Tues & Thurs nights from 6-10 and all day Saturdays till June.  I’m very excited to do this.  I’m looking forward to being able to do something that will make people feel good for a change.  (Not that I was stabbing puppies while I was the Warranty Admin but I certainly wasn’t getting any closer to solving world peace.)  My husband is in panic mode but so far has been as supportive as a guy who doesn’t handle the bills can be.  I’m going to have to look for something at least part time to bring in just enough income for our monthly bills.  Things would just be too tight if I didn’t work at all and I don’t want to dip into our savings or rack up a bunch of debt while I try & figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  My plan is to take a month off & try & get my head together.  I have a possible job offer doing something slightly different at Berlin City and I’m going to chat about that Monday.  I’m leery.  It would be full time, likely the same $ I was making at Ford and I wouldn’t loose seniority and vaca time etc.  However, it would be a desk job.  I would have the flexibility to leave early the days I need to for school but working full time and going to school would be pretty tough.  I’m really thinking that I don’t want this job.  I’m going to go & get the scoop but I’m also going to stop at the employment office after.  Hopefully something will fall into place & I won’t feel like I have to take this other job.  It took me this long to leave Berlin City, I don’t want to get sucked back in.  So, my first week as an unemployed bum has been spent as a regular week of “vacation”.  I have tried to take it easy and perfect the art of being a vegetable.  As far a I can tell, I’ve got that nailed!

If I quit……

this Friday the 25th, then my last day of work would be 8/8/08.  The first day of the Olympics.  I think that would be a neat last day…………….hmmmm.

I’m a hater….

I hate the doctor’s office.  I ran out of my welbutrin & left a message asking if they could call in the prescription without me making an appointment cuz I’m sure I’m due for my yearly physical this fall anyway.  The lady just called me back & said I have to be seen every 3 months for this.  I asked when my last appointment was & it was February.  Well, that was more than 3 months ago.  I asked when I’m due for my physical & she said October.  So I told her to write down that I guess I’ll be off my welbutrin till October then.  She asked if that was wise & I said no, probably not; but I don’t have time to leave work & make an appointment to pay a copay so I can stop in for a 2 second visit with Janet for a drug I have been on for years.  We have already established that my weight is the same, everything is the same, I feel good & I like & need the drug.  But I’m not going over there to buy my prescription from them for something that could be established over the phone.  I asked if she could make a note of that.  She said she could & that because this is a controlled drug that I have to be seen.  I said well I don’t have to time to get over there & it comes down to them making me pay my co-pay.  I said I guess I’ll be off it till October.  She said that it was my choice but I could tell she was rattled.  So now I’m thinking about it & I’m sure I sounded like some unstable nut that was probably just barely hanging on to coping with society by taking this drug & now I’m going to be off it.  I feel bad that I was mean to the lady but I’m sick to death of them charging me when the visit is a joke.  If I made the appointment & went in, I could ask Janet for all kinds of different drugs & she would give them to me.  We have already been round & round with a handful & I’ve come back to this one.  I go in she asks how it’s going & I say good.  Not even 3 minutes later I’m out of there & all they did was weigh me (& they won’t even do that if you don’t want them too) & they check my blood pressure.  (Which is probably sky high at this point cuz of my job & the freaking dr’s office!)  I hate people & I am going to self medicate with wine from now on…lol  As I am posting this I just had a phone # show up on my caller ID tha twas probably the Dotor’s office……..lol  They are probably sending someone down right now to restrain me…..lol

On my own

 Well, I went to see the Granite State lady on 7/3 and that was pretty much a bust.  I left there with slightly more information & more unanswered questions.  (I have yet to hear back from her, she said she would email me on a couple things she was looking into…..whatever)  Basically my belief was confirmed that I’m on my own as far as figuring out my educational crap.  I need to do my FAFSA again & I guess I need to get English & Math done next.  I don’t want to do English online but it doesn’t appear I will have any other option short of driving an hour away & then an hour & a half back home once a week.  (I’m off that)  I guess I’m not going to quit my job & go to the tech; I could only get my associates there & they are lower level classes & don’t count as much towards my bachelors or something.  I’m a bit confused on that part.  But that doesn’t mean that I won’t quit my job & do Granite State on a more “full time” basis.  (Being the procrastinator I am.  It doesn’t mean I’m going to rush out & get it done either….lol)  I have to take some time & look at the testing out stuff.  I need to schedule the psych test & maybe the English for August, whenever they have the tests.  (Troy is out of town 2 nights this week so maybe I’ll commit 1 night to looking at the material.)

On a health note, I have been using this website:  www.thedailyplate.com to keep track of my food.  I’m not losing any weight………..yet but it is better than keeping track of it on paper.  I was doing that pretty faithfully but this is much easier.  I’ve been really honest about putting stuff in too.  I have to enter my super for last night still but will do that when I get home tonight.  It sucks to see the calories I eat but it will help me, I’m sure of it.  (I did have McDonald’s for lunch today, about 1200 calories worth, but I have to give in to those cravings once in a while right?)  I took my motorcycle to work today, so I’m sure just driving that (in the cold this a.m.) burned something & I’ll try & Wii tonight too.  & I probably won’t eat super.  I have my nails tonight so I’ll be home later than normal.  What a bunch of excuses huh?…..lol  “& I’ll try to throw up everything for the next week & I’m going to start shooting heroine so I can become heroine sheik, & I’m going to run 20 miles tonight & have 12 laxatives at bedtime”…….lol  as if.

Quotes on inner peace #20

I just remembered to look down at the quote I have taped to my computer screen.  (funny how we over look the little things that surround us ever day.)  It says:

“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.  Do not loose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”  ~St. Francis de Sales

Now I originally cut that out on a day where things were out of control at work & my inner peace was outer.  After recent events and reflections I realized I could look at this as I did prior or I could “think outside the box”  (I hate that term) & interpret it to mean that if I were going to let’s say oh I don’t know, kill someone.  I shouldn’t be in a hurry about it.  (plan it out, think it through & haste makes waste).  The quiet part is kinda obvious (don’t want to make a racket & get caught) and calm spirit, well how many times has some one told you to “calm down”?  I would think I would want to stay calm while killing someone.  As for keeping my inner peace even if my world is upset, well with the cause of my distress out of the picture I think I would be able to regain my inner peace.  (well, unless my conscience took my inner peace; but I’m sure there is another quote out there to cover guilt.)

Not that I’m planning to kill anyone…………….I just realized that I am very good at interpretation & justification.  Yippee for me.